


What they'd give just for the right to hold you.

by brokenlibrarygirl



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Adoption, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Sherlock, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Mild Language, OOC John Watson, OOC Sherlock, POV John Watson, Parentlock, loss of a child
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-05
Updated: 2014-04-26
Packaged: 2018-01-14 14:57:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1270690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenlibrarygirl/pseuds/brokenlibrarygirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John and Sherlock decide to raise a family. Nothing goes as well as they want it to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. or several if that's agreeable...

**Author's Note:**

> In my world this occurs post His Last Vow whereas it had been discovered that Mary’s pregnancy was faked and she had be involved in Moriarty’s web somehow. She now dead or in jail and Sherlock and John finally revealed to each other their true feelings for each other and are in a romantic and committed relationship. Sherlock’s parents are not the sweet and affable ones depicted in the show. More details may or may not be revealed later as this story develops. _Indicates John’s inner thoughts/monologues_ _**Indicates Sherlock’s inner thoughts/monologues**_

_Ever since I had heard that Mary was pregnant at the wedding I had been ecstatic and been building dreams of a normal domestic life with a yard, dogs, and children. Then she had to go and shoot Sherlock and it all crumbled around us. Everything had been fake, the woman Mary was, the baby, and her love for me. I couldn’t function for weeks and Sherlock was there for it all. When I realized it was Sherlock that I wanted I knew that children would most likely never come to pass, nor the domestic life that I had wanted. I would give that up if it meant that I would have Sherlock and the work. Lately though, perhaps coinciding with the anniversary of when there was no baby, my thoughts drifted to family and remembering how Sherlock had dealt so well with our ring bearer. Maybe..._

“John, that is the third time you’ve been staring at a child today.” Sherlock murmurs squeezing my elbow.

We were walking back from the morgue and had picked up food on the way. Cutting through Regent’s park was a bad idea for it was always filled with families and happy children.

“I have not been staring Sherlock” I lie, wishing Sherlock wouldn’t be so damn observant all of the time.

“John you should realize by now there is very little that you can hide from me.” Sherlock grumbles.

“Children and families are cute Sherlock. Sorry to be so pedestrian about that” I say with a scowl. I tried avoiding his gaze to hide my embarrassment.

“John, we have never actively discussed in regards to our relationship the desire to have a family” Sherlock states matter of factly and it causes my spine to stiffen and my stomach to heave.

“And we will not until I feel it is appropriate to do so, not in the middle of the street Sherlock!” I shout in frustration.

“This is now a good time as ever John since you are beginning to act like you will snatch the next infant you see off of the street” Sherlock has the nerve to say with a smile.

“Sherlock, No” I say stopping in the middle of the walk, “We are not talking about this right now. I am tired, I am hungry, and I would very much like to get back home so that I can have a drink. So please do not dissect my feelings about this. Some other time when we’ve both had some sleep and we aren’t distracted because we have case going” I turn on my heel and briskly walk in the direction of our flat.

“Alcohol is not going to help avoid this discussion...John?” Sherlock calls trying to catch up with me.

I storm into the flat and promptly slam the door of the bedroom after grabbing bottle of scotch that had been calling my name and the food. Out of courtesy I should have probably left some food for Sherlock, but why let it go to waste since he wouldn’t be eating as usual. I proceeded to eat and drink myself into oblivion

_**John wanted a child or children as the case may be. Thoughts of children and their upbringing had always fallen into the realm of: never will, won’t happen. My own upbringing being one of coldness and loneliness and boarding schools. John Watson had changed everything that I knew about devotion and family and love. Perhaps with John children would be a possibility. With John all things were possible. I sat and worried the situation all evening, taking breaks to solve our current murder of a teacher by his male student lover. When John finally emerged from our room I was ready for our discussion.** _

I wake up with a slamming painful thudding behind my eyeballs and a churning in my stomach. I felt completely assisine for shouting at Sherlock in my resigned sadness over not having children. I knew I shouldn’t take it out on him and I would apologize if he we would let me.

I complete my morning routine and make tea for the two of us and place Sherlock’s at his elbow. I settle into my chair with the paper and read half heartedly as I know the confrontation will be coming. Sherlock looks at me expectantly and I ask absently, 

“Solved it then?” 

“Of course” Sherlock says taking a sip of tea.

“Who was it then?”

“The teacher’s male student lover”

“Oh, like that then?” I sigh sipping my own tea and giving him a pointed look.

“Yes John. How are you feeling today?” 

“A what?”

“You took the entire bottle into the room as well as the food, I would assume your stomach and head are rebelling, hence the lack of breakfast food accompanying your tea” Sherlock indicates the kitchen with a flick of his wrist.

“Right as always Sherlock” I grumble swallowing.

“John do you recall our almost discussion from yesterday?” Sherlock finally pounces.

I calmly fold my paper and put it down. I stare at him annoyed that he would of course bring up this discussion when I am hungover.

“Yes” I sigh

“Is now an appropriate time to discuss the possible addition of children to our lives?” Sherlock asks with such maddeningly casualty that I am immediately angry again.

“You seem damn well determined to make it so.” I spit

“Your agitation indicates that you want to talk about it but are afraid of what the discussion might reveal” he says with a tilt of his head that is appears uncertain.

“Listen, we love each other and have chosen a life together. I would hope to think that you’ve made sacrifices to be with me and I’ve made many for you. But this...us talking about it will only make things unbearably painful for me and I know how my emotions amuse and irritate you so please. I’d rather ignore this discussion altogether” I huff not being able to do this without breaking down and I make a move to stand.

“John” Sherlock says grabbing my wrist and pulling me back down to my chair. His eyes are watery and desperate.

“Sherlock please” I gasp, my face crumpling and I take my head in my hands. This was going to wreck everything we had built, I’d lose him or he would force me to leave.

“John you many things brave, smart, strong, emotional, and so very wrong” Sherlocks says kneeling down before me bracketing my body with his arms on the chair to bar my escape, “I know you want to be a father. I know that you’d be amazing at it. I never told you that I enjoy children, but you must have seen it at the wedding and how I dealt with Archie.”

“What are you saying Sherlock?” I croak raising my head to look at the man on his knees before me.

“I want to co parent a child with you, or several if that is agreeable to you” he says with an uneasy smile.

My own smile creeps across my face and I almost can’t speak, but then I inhale a shaky breath.  
“Very agreeable Sherlock. Big decision, children, you sure?” I ask still wobbly in voice as I rub my knuckles on Sherlock’s cheek.

“Sure as I know every element in the periodic table by heart, sure as I know that Mycroft will never be thin, sure as I know that I love you. I know it will not be easy, I know it is frightening, but doing it with you is the surest thing I know. It has always been you that has made me sure of everything.” Sherlock murmurs slowly a tear escapes his eyes.

“Oh god I thought I was the weepy one?” I chuckle wiping the tear away a kissing him lightly on the lips.

“Well..usually..that is the case. But seeing you in pain always hurts me.” 

“Thank you for this Sherlock” I whisper

“No need for thank you, we both want this. We’re doing it together. ” Sherlock says closing the distance again and kissing me softly, “So ready for breakfast?, I’m in a celebratory mood” 

I watch Sherlock jump up and begins banging around the kitchen grabbing eggs and bread and vegetables. The man barely eats, much less cooks anything so this is a definitely a special occasion.

“Sherlock? You’re cooking...an omelette?” I stare as he cracks eggs with a flourish into a bowl and then begins to dice onions.

“Come now John you must improve your observational skills if you are going to pass them on to our children.” he says with a shake of his head.

“Right. Always full of surprises” I say settling down at the table. My mind drifts to him cooking for a little one in pig tails and the momentary fear of the unknown drifts away.


	2. changes in the dynamic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Indicates John’s inner thoughts/monologues Indicates Sherlock’s inner thoughts/monologues

_Moving house, adoption agencies, registering as a couple, money for school, clothes, nappies. I was panicking, I knew it but it wouldn’t leave my mind._

“Next patient John” the receptionist calls shaking me from my thoughts.

I had given Sherlock the responsibility of narrowing down which of the many adoption agencies we would be applying. There were so many with so many different angles and criteria it had made my frantic with possibilities. Passing it on to Sherlock allowed the rabid researcher a project that wouldn’t involve smearing viscera all over the countertop when I was working at the office and he was without a case. 

I pack my bag to leave and say goodnight to everyone and make my way to the street. A block before the tube station an all too familiar black sedan pulls beside me. The window lowers and Mycroft’s sneering face appears.

“Evening Dr. Watson, care for a ride?”

“Do I have a choice Mycroft?”

“Get in the car John”

I sigh and open the door. Mycroft could never call like a normal person too busy running England to be bothered by or pretending with social niceties. 

“So what is it this time Mycroft? it is rather late for the ‘hurt my brother and I will end you’ speech” I sigh

“Well I know that you wouldn’t dare enter into a relationship with Sherlock unless it was serious. No, this is about the new element that has entered the equation” he states tapping the handle of his ever present umbrella.

“New element?” I ask innocently.

“By my brother’s internet history and the ministrations of our shared family lawyer I would presume that the two of you are preparing to add children to the Watson-Holmes dynamic” he says lips pursed.

“And your point being?” I spit clenching my jaw.

“I could help John. I’m quite eager for nieces or nephews. Children are fascinating creatures” he spits back.

This is surprising. I was prepared for disdain and words of derision, not for him to help.

“We decided we wanted to try this on our own. Something feels wrong about the British Government helping to secure us a child. A bit underhanded, illegal, and the words ‘child trafficking’ come to mind” I say.

“It would be easier on you both. Unwanted, healthy, babies are scarce in the United Kingdom, I would hate the discouragement to break the two of you down. I know Sherlock can be...insufferable when he doesn’t get what he wants when he wants it”

“He’s been fine actually, doing quite a lot of research. He’s actually completely stopped smoking he’s so completely dedicated to this. Also Mycroft I think it would take more than frustration to break the two of us up. I did marry a psychopathic assassin and he disappeared for 2 years and I forgave him. As encouraged I am by your concern and interest; if we need your help, we will ask for it” I huff.

“John. Sherlock for as insufferable as he can be, is also quite fragile in nature. Just...consider my help please” Mycroft says. I know he is more than right. I had seen it on my wedding day, and that day we almost said goodbye to each other forever. The man would still not talk about the picture of the dog I found when I was making room for my clothes in one of his drawers. Perhaps I had misstepped giving Sherlock the research job.

“We will I promise.” I nod and get out and open the door to 221 b. All I wanted right now was Sherlock and sleep. It was a long day and I hoped my object of affection wasn’t spoiling for a fight.

“How _is_ my brother” Sherlock immediately blurts from his curled form on the couch. Piles of paper are scattered on the cushions and on the table. I catch him tucking something behind the couch cushion.

“Fine. Offering assistance.” I sigh and hang my coat up and toss my bag onto the floor.

“And unwanted advice I presume. All that worrying only makes his over eating worse” Sherlock mutters.

“I told him we were doing this adoption thing ourselves. He worries the stress will be too much and because he cares about you Sherlock. But very much like you, he doesn’t always listen” I say moving the papers off the empty end of the couch and taking his feet in my hands.

“I listen John. I just…”

“What is this?” I laugh fishing the item that Sherlock had hidden in the seat cushion and find it to be a parenting magazine.

“You wanted me to do research; I’m doing research. Fascinating stuff there about nipple cream” Sherlock scowls.

“Hmmnnn nipple cream, fancy needing that?” I smile cheekily.

“Well after last night...maybe” he smirks at me. I lean down and fill the space between the couch and his body and kiss him. He pulls me close and I close my eyes and ask.

“Any luck on flats then?” I murmur

“aherm...several...appointments made for your day off. All close to your office, more than two bedrooms. Small gardens even” Sherlock breathes languidly against my collar.

“Good then. Tell me some more good news.” I murmur.

“America is very nice this time of year. Plenty of sunshine and unwanted healthy babies” Sherlock nuzzles my neck.

“Riiiiiight I don’t think that is a very good idea.” I snort

“It’s either that, someone from my homeless network, or straight to surrogacy. I’ve done the research John. I am not being flippant here” Sherlock tone changes from seductive to combative and he moves to sit up looking like I’ve slapped him. 

“Sherlock I’m sorry I know you’re frustrated by this. I don’t doubt that. Why don’t we tackle moving house first and revisit the baby search then. Maybe some random neighborhood teenager will get knocked up and fall into our laps.” I whisper my heart clenching at my partner’s unguarded sadness and frustration.

“Of course John. I just...I just want to make you happy” He sighs ruffling his hair.

“Come here, “ I command pulling him back down against me, “you make me happy. You can be a colossal ass but I wouldn’t have you any other way. If it is only just the two of us for the rest of time, I would be happy cause we’d be together. This won’t make or break us Sherlock. It’s just bonus material yeah?” 

“You say that now, but if I were a woman you wouldn’t have to worry about all of this” he gestures weakly to the pile of print outs on the coffee table.

“I chose you. If you were a woman I’d still chose you and that great brain of yours and the crazy life we have together. Sure it would be easier if one of us could have children but you know we’ll get through this” I say kissing him on the top of his head.

“But John…” he begins to whine

“Not buts, Sherlock, you are not a mistake or a consolation prize. Do not ever think that I am settling for you..ever…” I say squeezing him closer. He nuzzles closer his arm tight around my waist and stills. Just what I wanted a good cuddle. I rubbed circles on Sherlock’s side soothing him. Soon his breathing has slowed and I look down to see him sound asleep. I hum a favorite lullaby.


	3. one more miracle for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They want kids...and they want each other....
> 
> So...I'm a terrible person and Sherlock is totally out of character...

_several weeks later_

“Where is Greg?” I ask looking around the set of buildings that brought me back to that first night I knew Sherlock.

“Who? Personal project this one.” Sherlock mumbles as we dodge and avoid students in the hallway.

“You know who I’m talking about….Lestrade…..are we interviewing a suspect?” I ask completely at a loss as to why we were here. It was so different filled with medical students and their large bags and animated conversations. Sherlock had been absent minded the whole morning and was rarely this unclear about what we were doing with the day and I was reaching my end.

“Something like that” Sherlock smirks at me. 

“I don’t like this, tell me what is going on here” I grab at his arm and stop his forward  
momentum.

“John must you be so stubborn right now. We have work here that is all you need to know right now. When we get to where we are going I will share the information I think you need to know.” he growls pulling his arm ruffly away. I watch him stomp away for a bit, then follow. I follow him at a distance and watch him turn into a classroom. When I step into the room it is empty save for several familiar items on the table. Notepads and pens, and two glass bottles with pink pills inside.

“Sherlock?” I ask smiling.

“John, do you remember the significance of this room now?” Sherlock asks his back to me standing at the window I had shot through all those years ago.

“Yes I do” I say fingering the top of one of the jars

“This was the room where we began. I was about to make a calculated risk and you killed someone for me, and you knew me less than 24 hours. It was the moment I knew we were meant to be together” he says slowly still not turning around.

“Right cause you had to prove you’re clever. In all honesty might have known from the moment we met, but I still can’t read your mind.” I state helplessly wondering why he won’t look at me.

“John despite the words I spoke at your wedding would you consider me a sentimental man?”

“Only when it really matters” 

At this he finally turns towards me, his face is paler than normal and his marvelous hands are shaking.

“This matters to me, this room, this day. I love you and...we are on the road to having a family...John I’m not good at this at all, not like you” he fumbles with something in one his coats massive pockets.

“Sherlock? are ...fff” I see what is coming now and I feel my ears go pink and I clench my fists

“I William Sherlock Scott Holmes am asking you John Hamish Watson to ….urgh hfff” he drops to a knee, “cement our relationship in a matrimonial fashion” 

I can’t stifle the giggle that escapes my mouth at the obvious distaste Sherlock finds in the traditions of marriage. The hurt though I see in his eyes stops me immediately. I join him on the floor and cup his face

“Sorry about that but you can be quite awkward when you’re nervous, yes I’ll marry you, you great idiot” I say he blinks back at me and he pulls me in for a kiss.

“I bought you this instead of a ring, something practical you know...rings later maybe...I” Sherlock says opening the box to reveal a beautiful watch, “it’s inscribed” 

I take it out and flip it over on the back are words that mean more than I ever knew they could. 

_One more miracle for you. Love Always Sherlock_

“Sherlock damn it.” and I huff fighting the closing of my throat.

“Not good?” 

“No, no, it is very good. You did say you heard me, I just didn’t think you’d remember what I said” I say pulling him close.

“John...I can’t...I can’t breathe John” he gasps and pushes me carefully back

“Sorry put this damn thing on me then” I say 

“John I’ll never erase you from up here, everything you say and do I remember. Those words were what carried me through the time I was away from you.” he says carefully removing my old watch and replacing it.

“You are such a liar. Sentiment definitely suits you” I say standing up holding out a hand for him.

“Do be quiet John, ruining the moment and all that” he says with a laugh and hauls himself up.

“That’s usually my line.” I chuckle but again stop seeing that unsure scared look on his face again, “Sherlock what is it?”

“John I need to tell you something. I”m unsure as how you will react.” he says

“Never stopped you before, worrying about what I think, shouldn’t stop you now” I smile at him

“I asked you to marry me because if you or our children were ever hospitalized and medical decisions needed to be made I need to be able to be there with you and them without question. Although not entirely a sentimental decision, I did it more out of practicality and a selfish need to make our lives easier” he says with a clap of his hands. 

“Oh I don’t know. I think that’s quite nice actually. Wanting to be with your family. See, still sentimental” I say walking out the door into the noisy hallway not caring at all.

“Is not ...John…” I hear him call after me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I commissioned [kumbricwitch](http://kumbricwitch.tumblr.com/) to draw up the proposal. It is very cute, check it out [here](http://brokenlibrarygirl.tumblr.com/post/108866296331/comissioned-this-from-auntieseawitch-awhile-ago)


	4. Not an Experiment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So John Sherlock are engaged and buying a home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can see it is a lot of out of character John & Sherlock and a lot of just dialog. Again..I'm all a bit meh and very insecure about this fic. I do so much better with short angsty drabbles but parentlock just burrowed into my brain.

“Well that’s a nice watch” Gregory grumbles grabbing my wrist.

“It was a gift” I say absently.

“What has the daft idiot done this time? Set the flat on fire again?” Greg chuckles eyeing the watch.

I bite my lip and shoot a look at Sherlock kneeling down over the body. We _had_ agreed to not tell anyone about our adoption situation but we never discussed when we would be telling people we were going to get married. 

“Sherlock?” I call to get his attention and he looks up with a scowl. I tap the watch face and point at Gregory, “May I?” 

“Of course John tell anyone you want” he mutters.

“Well Gregory the daft idiot and I are going to get married.” I smile at him.

“Wow...really?.... what brought that on, Sherlock is not the traditional type, nor did I think he’d ever get within 50 metres of a wedding ever again after your last one.” 

“Well Sherlock is Sherlock, how does anyone know what goes on in that head of his”

“But marriage John? is it an experiment?” he asks 

“No, he asked me I said yes, it is as simple as that” I growl

“He... asked….you..what the bloody hell?” Greg flails his arms.

This is really getting me irritated, yes Sherlock is outwardly cold and weird, but it doesn’t mean he can’t love someone or be loved.

“Sherlock?!” I call. This time he jumps up and marchesd toward the two of us.

“What is it John? I’m trying to solve that person’s murder, not stand around and gossiping”

“I was just congratulating John here on your impending nuptials” Greg grins at Sherlock

“He’s wondering why I said yes” trying to catch his eye in warning. Oh there it is the blinking and the squinting that indicates Sherlock is quite unsure what the appropriate response should be, “he thinks it is an experiment” 

“Well George we’re getting married for the same reasons millions of people around the globe get married. Love, financial gain, and starting a family.” and with that Sherlock swept away leaving my face burning.

“Did he just say starting a family?’

“Shhhh Greg don’t want the whole Yard to know” I grumble pulling him farther away from Sgt. Donovan and the rest of the New Scotland Yard.

“Wait just a fucking second...so you’re telling me … Sherlock Holmes…. is getting married and is planning on raising a child?! are you two insane?” Greg guffaws at me.

“Greg listen very carefully. We consider you a friend and the way you are talking about Sherlock is really starting to make me angry. Yes we are planning on adopting at least one child maybe more. It is a decision we made together and Sherlock will be a great father. So I don’t care what you think as long as you keep it to yourself.” I growl into his ear.

“Jesus you’re serious. I’m sorry John, just a bit of a shock” he says taking a step back.

“If you can behave yourself I was going to ask you to be our witness” I grumble.

“Where and when I’ll be there. My head’s still trying to reconcile it all but I’ll be there without a smirk on my face.” Greg says extending his hand.

“We’re still working on the details. Believe me sometimes I don’t think what we have is even real and I’m _in_ the relationship. Just don’t tell people Greg, we’d like the whole child thing to be a secret until it’s real ok?” I say shaking his hand.

“Of course, no one would believe me anyway” he laughs and I join him in laughing much to Sherlock’s annoyance.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“We can’t afford this Sherlock!” I exclaim at the beautiful row house we were standing in.

“John between the work and your office hours we can more than afford the mortgage payments” Sherlock sighs.

“But..but..the down payment...we have very little saved...and we need the money for the adoption … Sherlock this won’t work!” I flail looking around at the fabulous place we were standing in. It was light and airy and had a basement for Sherlock’s experiments. It was perfect and I could see us running around after children in the garden and up and down the stairs.

“John. Listen to me. Please don’t be upset but I … rather… Mycroft and I...we have have a trust fund….I have money.” he starts but I’ve pinched his upper arm.

“What are you saying? I’ve been chasing you around London and working 30 hours a week wiping noses when you have a bloody trust fund?!” I yell.

“Shhhh…..John don’t think about it as my money but our money, our future children's money” Sherlock barks throwing his hands up

“Gods sake Sherlock this isn’t treating me to dinner, this is a house. A lot of bloody money….why….why didn’t you tell me about this sooner?”

“So you could have your financial panic attack sooner? No John might as well pull off the plaster in one deft tug.”

“What is going on Sherlock you’ve been more than intolerant of me all damn day. Did I do something offensive to you to be so angry _with me_ when I should be the angry one here?”

“John. I know i’ve been less than forthcoming about a lot of things. I know you want to be responsible and pay your share, but I’ve done nothing to earn the money my parents have left me. I don’t use it ever. But this, our home, where we will raise our child or children. This is worth taking that money and putting it to good use. We can and will use the money we work for the everyday expenses and mortgage. The trust will be saved for the children, they may want big weddings or want to study abroad. Please don’t be angry I can’t bear it today” Sherlock sighs.

“Today?” I ask with a shake of my head.

“Do you not know what today is?” he asks biting his lip. My mind races and races trying to grasp what today of all days mean. oh….oh….Sherlock

“My God Sherlock I’m sorry….I….” I say pulling him close. Making sure he was there and not flinging himself off a roof like had exactly four years ago from today. “Anything you want Sherlock. Forget this fight, forget what I’ve said.”

“Today is a terrible day. I thought I’d make it better by getting our new home. John please. I know I ask a lot of you, please let me do this for you, for us” Sherlock mumbled into my shoulder.

“Ok Sherlock, but we’re gonna have a sprinkler system installed before you can burn this place to the ground” I sniff pushing him off of me.

“One time...one bloody time” he mutters completely recovered as he turns to find the realtor.


	5. Marriage and a Baby Carriage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just as the chapter title declares...

“Well that was quite unnecessary” Sherlock grumbles pushing through the door into our newish home tugging at the knot of his tie.

“Sherlock we got married had dinner and now we are home. You didn’t have to make a speech, you merely had to be pleasant for all of three hours” I can’t help but smile at him in amusement. I unknot my own tie and toss it down with the cards we’d have to go through tomorrow.

“John the looks though the simpering looks and Molly’s tears were ridiculous” 

“Sherlock we’re married” I blurt out over the fact that we hadn’t killed each other before the short ceremony.

“Stating the obvious again John. Just look at your finger if you forget at some point” Sherlock exhales thudding his head down on the back of his chair.

“Could you at least look a little elated. I know it’s all fake tantruming but for me alone in our home could you smile at least.” I say twisting the ring on my finger.

The ceremony was quick and simple in front of Lestrade and Mycroft. Typical vows and paperwork but the hidden sentiments in our simple dark rings revealed again that the consulting detective did have hidden depths of feelings. _my conductor of light_ on my ring and _my miracle_ on Sherlock’s. Sherlock shook out his hair in his frustrated way and looks up at me and gives me a genuine and crooked smile.

“Sorry, dance with me?” he asks putting his phone in the dock and pulling up an unseen song.

“Of course” I say taking his now outstretched hand. A sad slow familiar song begins to play and I clench my jaw fighting the tears at my eyes, “This song...you don’t...you don’t listen to popular music..wherever…”

“John you do recall I use your computer quite often. You played this song almost once day when I was gone. It means something to you...and now to me. The first dance with my husband” Sherlock smirks, “I didn’t get to dance at your first wedding. I love to dance” 

“Sherlock...I...missed you so much. When I found Mary she...she just filled a space, I loved her but she wasn’t you.” 

“I know John...you would have waited til death for me but you couldn’t do it alone...you needed someone even if it wasn’t what you really wanted.”

“Are you reading my mind again?”

“Not humanly possible. I just know you, every shade of your hair, every wrinkle on your face, every scar on your body. You John are my perfect mystery and I learn more of you every day”

“Jesus Sherlock, those should have been your vows.”

“There would have been witnesses to my sentiment” he smiles against my ear.

“Don’t think I didn’t see the look on your face after Mary pulled me away. I saw that lost look of yours looking for someone to dance with.” I say giving him a squeeze.

“You didn’t notice I had even gone” Sherlock sighs.

“I won’t lie to you. I was a bit caught up in my wedding and impending fatherhood. Sorry about that”

“You were very happy. I won’t hold that against you. Speaking of which, I’ll be taking you to bed now Mr. Watson-Holmes” 

“Mr. Holmes-Watson lead the way”

===================== 

“Sherlock” I yell from the living room my hands shaking grasping the card from Lestrade in my hand so hard it is starting to crumple.

“What is it John? I said I’d sign the thank you cards when I was done?!” he calls from the bottom of the basement stairs not coming 

“Come up here you need to see this.” I call down a bit wobbily.

“John can’t it wait?! I have something to watch down here.”

“Not unless you want to wait to meet the mother of our child sooner than later?” I laughed tearily.

There is the computer error face again then a croaky, “What?”

I take each step slowly down to him and sit on a step before the frozen man in front of me. I wordless tap the card against his chest and he takes it from me.

_Congratulations to the oddest couple I know, but the two best men I know. I couldn’t figure out a gift for the two of you and well this thing just sort of happened. My daughter Jane’s roommate at Uni has found herself pregnant and kicked out of the house. She’s been staying with us during summer break, I asked her what she was going to do and she said adoption. I mentioned the two of you and well she’s wanting to meet you. Cheers call me when you leave your love nest for air._

“John?” he gasps and drops to the ground with a sob.

“Breathe, breathe, Sherlock??” I say grabbing his wrist to take his pulse, it’s rabbit quick, “head between your knees there you go” 

I’m crying and laughing rubbing his back. This was not the reaction from Sherlock I was expecting. I was expecting an awkward smile, a tilt of the head, a quick hug. Sherlock was usually protecting that strong facade he had pulled up around himself. I had been expecting myself to be the emotional wreck but I felt an odd sense of calm and apprehension.

“Hey, it still doesn’t guarantee she’ll like us.” I sigh 

“It’s real now John. It’s all very real now don’t you see it. This is terrifying, how do people do this?” Sherlock exhales shakily grabbing my face.

“They take it one day at a time. They worry, they breathe, and they hope” I laugh and he finally lets go and laughs with me. I watch him re read the card and gulp air like a fish.

“John I love you very much. I hope you know that because...I don’t always tell you that...you’ll remind me to tell them right?” he asks looking up under his wild curls.

“They’ll know, they’ll know” I pull Sherlock off the concrete and hug him close. The man is still shaking a bit, “Do you want anything, water, tea, coffee?”

“No I might just need to go lie down, thank you” he grabs the hand rail and we ascend the stairs.

“I’ll call Lestrade then, want me to do it on speaker?” I say on the way to the kitchen and watch Sherlock faceplant into the sofa and snicker.

“mfphf”

“Still can’t translate couch” I shake my head.

“No, I’ll probably confess my undying affection for the man and decide we’ll name our first son Gregory. SO NOPE” I he huffs raising his head briefly for his annoyed tirade.

I smile at the fact for the first time in a long time he used the correct name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I just want to say that these things do happen. Two of my former co-workers had babies "fall into their laps." One a family friend's honor roll/student athlete daughter had a mysterious backache and it was just a baby. The other was friends with a couple and they found themselves with an unwanted pregnancy and were like "we want you to adopt our baby." So before it gets all "this never happens" to people, it really does.


	6. Don't call Sherlock cuddly...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> meet the mom

_**Maybe it was time for me to invest in more jeans and jumpers like John. Clearly I didn’t look like your typical father, but I was still me. I wanted to give a friendly less cold impression, even though I definitely felt more myself in a suit. From what Lestrade had told the two of us Charlotte had come from a normal middle class family, she was the daughter of a factory worker and a teacher. Normalcy and religion had ruled their household. I tossed around the back of my closet to find the dark denim trousers. Folded in a drawer I found a sweater that had been given to me from some cousin at some point. It was cashmere and a light grey, yes this could work very nicely** _

“Oh wow you look…” I say forgetting the paper I was thumbing through as I waited for Sherlock to change. I had dressed as normal and waited nervously for Sherlock as he banged around the bedroom.

“Shut up John. I’m trying to look normal...make a good impression” Sherlocks grumbles pulling at the hem of the beautiful sweater that matched the color of his eyes when it was a rare sunny day.

“I was going to say you looked wonderful. Weird but wonderful...dare I say cuddly?” I smirk at him as I walk towards him reaching for softness of the sweater. Sherlock bats my hands away with a show of teeth.

“Please John if you say I look cuddly in this I will go back and change. I’m trying really hard here and you teasing me about it isn’t helping. I want her to like me.” Sherlock shakes his head and puts up his hands up barring me from getting any closer.

“What does what you’re wearing have on her liking you? She should like you no matter what you wear. Go change if you want we got...uhm ten minutes before we really get going. Sher..” and I’m stopped by his lips on mine and arms around me.

“There. I feel much better. John...tell me it will be ok again.” Sherlock says clutching at my elbows his head bowed onto my shoulder. I am having my own panic rising take a breath for the man before me and say as confidently as possible,

“Sherlock it will be alright. We’re good men, she’s gotta love us” 

I tip his chin up to look at me and he bites his lip, “Let’s go” he sighs.

# ==========

“Gregory how are you?” I exhale as he opens the door.

“Fine great..come on in!!” he bellows. I side eye Sherlock and notice my husband is biting his lip and clasping his hands.

“Gregory..your home is quite nice” Sherlock exhales rushing forward into the sitting room. I see two young ladies sitting there. One has the distinct set of her jaw and eyes of her father, the other pale and auburn haired.

“Thank you Sherlock, John, you might remember Jane” Greg says indicating his daughter.

“Oh yes hello, how are you enjoying your break?” I exhale nervously eyeing her friend’s swelled midsection.

“Interesting” she laughs, “Mr. Watson this is my friend Charlotte, Charlotte, John Watson-Holmes and his husband Sherlock Holmes-Watson”

I shake the hand of the pale girl before me. Sherlock does as well, his hand lingers longer than necessary and I laugh awkwardly. Both Sherlock and Charlotte look at me like I’ve lost my mind.

“Well gentlemen, why don’t we sit and get to know each other ” Charlotte says eyeing us both. Sherlock drops her hand and reaches for me and catches my wrist in a vice-like grip. I wince and pry his fingers away and take his hand in mine.

“Charlotte how are you feeling?” I manage as I sit in a small couch for two pulling Sherlock beside me.

“Worst of the nausea is past.” she smiles shyly at me.

“Morning sickness? You’re still only about 14 weeks along correct. Shouldn’t you be feeling better?” Sherlock blurts

“Sherlock!” I shout. We had discussed in detail that he wouldn’t deduce the poor girl out loud.

“Oh well nausea can last almost the whole pregnancy. I have just got to remember to snack constantly.” Charlotte absently rubbing her stomach.

“What are you studying in school Charlotte?” I ask

“I’m actually in pre-med. It’s hard but I love it and I’m doing quite well, all 4s and 5s.” she smiles excitedly.

“That’s great. That’s just great. You must have some questions for us?” I try I don’t know how much awkward this encounter could get. I glance at Sherlock and he is gripping the arm of the couch so hard his fingertips and knuckles are white. “Sherlock and I have been nervous wrecks over meeting you and I think it may have made him go slightly catatonic.” 

Sherlock’s eyes shoot in my direction. 

“Charlotte I do apologize for my silence. I tend to rub people the wrong way and I have simply deferred to my more social partner. I am curious about the father of your child and what happened there.” Sherlock murmurs quietly.

Charlotte stiffens a bit and straightens her shoulders, “Andrew is a right piece of shit and told me straight out to abort it. His parents have been calling and harassing me on top of my parents kicking me out of the house. I cannot keep this baby and if you are good in the eyes of Mr. Lestrade you are good enough for me. But I do have my own questions if you please.” She states angrily.

This outburst has made me nervous about what it might provoke out of Sherlock. He doesn’t always take well to confrontations. 

“Yes of course” I sputter and take one of Sherlock’s hands in mine and he grips it on a bone crushing hold.

“I’ve read the papers and have done my research on the both of you, so I know what you do is dangerous. Do you still plan on doing the consulting detective business after the baby arrives?” she asks eyes narrowing.

“Well we’ve talked about that and we agreed that we would have to be exceptionally cautious about which cases we’d take and who we’d work with. I would be keeping my hours at the clinic and Sherlock has seriously considered teaching classes at the police academy” I state nervously.

“You teaching other people?” Greg blurts eyebrows up to his hairline.

“Yes Gregory I can actually teach people if I chose to with some level of patience. I’ve come to bleak realization that I wouldn’t be able to bear the thought of John, or our children being put into deadly situations. Passing on some of my skills would be beneficial to everyone. The family I love with every fibre of my being would stay safer and The Yard would solve more crimes” Sherlock says quietly. I glance at Sherlock and realize how very strong he is despite the clinging to my hand. I inhale a shaky breath and I turn back to Charlotte who is staring open mouthed at Greg.

“We’ve been making a lot of needed changes to our life to open our lives to a child. We’ve bought a small home with a garden, Sherlock has stopped smoking, we’ve got many people who care about us around to help with things we need and help keeping us safe including Gregory here. Your child would be safe and loved if you were to allow us to adopt him or her. I hope … I hope…” and I can’t continue the stress of it all and the longing for acceptance overtake me and the tears begin to fall. Sherlock arm wraps around my waist and pulls me close.

“John, Sherlock, I’ve been a bit adrift since all of this happened and when Mr. Lestrade mentioned the two of you I thought that he would be a good judge of character and I was right. You obviously love each other very much. I wished that this never happened but I know that I’m doing something good with it” Charlotte huffs as she stands and steps towards us.

“So uhhmm are you three doing this?” Jane pipes up nervously. 

“Yes” Charlotte almost whispers as she places a hand on each of our shoulders.


	7. The elephant in the room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The soon to be fathers nest. General fluff and cute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters this week because 6 was really short and I wanted to get this chapter out cause I killed myself with the cute. (apologies to Disney)

“Why circus elephants John? You’ve been very insistent” Sherlock grumbles over the pieces of the crib that he is attempting to put together. It’s been a game much like trying to figure out my middle name and it is driving my husband around the bend. I know he will only find it silly and I don’t want him to take it away from me.

“Much like this particular shade of yellow. It’s a nice gender neutral theme Sherlock” I say as I finish rubbing the edge of a decal on the wall. 

“You know we’re having a girl. We’ve picked names and damn it you need a doctorate in engineering to put this thing together!” Sherlock shouts hurling an allen wrench over my shoulder. I exhale and gather myself for the conversation again. One of Sherlock’s unwavering things since finding Charlotte was his faith that everything would work out. I had to ship back many of the girl toys that would end up on our doorstep that the man ordered when he couldn’t sleep. Gently remind him she could always change her mind. It tore something in me every time and yet Sherlock would just nod and say he knew and wave a hand. I knew that his blazing hope it would work was the only thing that made these uncomfortable things he was asked to do with it all.

“Sherlock, if you promise to really really listen this time and not dismiss it as just worrying too much , I’ll tell you about the elephants and you can have a good laugh” 

“Dismiss what?”

“For fucks sake, Sherlock Charlotte is a young girl who is pregnant for the first time. She has everything in front of her. A million things could happen in the next two months. She could get back together with the father, her parents can forgive her and let her back home, or Sherlock, look at me.” I watch him raise his head and thud it against the wall biting his lip, “She can simply change her mind and we are left without a child. Please, don’t make me hang my heart on a daughter that I might never have, not again” 

I couldn’t fight the wobble of my voice at the end of that little speech. Begging with my eyes that it would finally sink in and Sherlock would understand. 

“You’re afraid” Sherlock murmurs

“Of course. So are you, now tell me it will all be ok and I tell you the elephant story and we’ll switch jobs” I say tampering down my emotional state, walking towards him extending a hand to help him up. 

“I’m sorry I keep forgetting how fragile and fleeting all of this is. I’ve hurt you I’m sorry. It will be ok” Sherlock pulls me into his arms, a hand on my head like holding a child. I press a kiss to his neck and whisper, “Thank you.”

“Elephants John...it’s just so much gray” Sherlock grimaces in the way I find endearing. I snort laugh and pull away. 

“Still cute and gender neutral Sherlock. Ok where’d that allen wrench fly off to?” I say turning away to retrieve it.

“Tell me John, you promised, or I’ll be forced to repaint this room in a proper color of my choice” he threatens arms crossed eyes narrowed.

“Purple is never going to be on a wall of our home, ever,” I’m just preparing for the loving Holmes derision, “Ok did you watch many cartoons as a child?” I ask knowing the answer answer and stalling for time. There was the look of horror I expected.

“Well right I did. Mom and Dad took us to see children’s movies and we watched them on television like normal children.” 

“So your thing with elephants is rooted in cartoons?” Sherlock arches an eyebrow at me.

“Sort of. One of them was about a baby elephant who has huge ears and could fly. His mother is taken away from him and it’s quite cute. I liked it a lot as a kid, nearly broke my leg trying to fly like Dumbo. It’s cute, perfect for a baby’s room.” 

“John it is physically impossible for elephants to fly and you’re leaving something out, I can tell.”

“It’s a cartoon Sherlock for children and yes our child will watch cartoons. You know when you lose your mother at a young age you tend to remember things about her that stick with you forever. Those small things she did to comfort you. Well like a lot of those types of movies there were songs and one of them was a lullaby the mother elephant sang to her child before she was taken away. My mother used to sing it to us when we had nightmares or were sick. I wanted to pass that on to our child, alright?!” I emphasize with a wave of my hand. I wait for it, I wait for the laughter and the snide remarks.

“Sing it for me.” he smiles at me.

“What?”

“You must have it memorized. Sing it for me, I’d like to hear what you’ll be singing to our child as they try to fall asleep in your arms” he states matter of factly.

“errr...right…

_Baby mine, don't you cry. Baby mine, dry your eyes. Rest your head close to my heart, Never to part, baby of mine._

“That’s rather...nice….. Maybe I should watch it build up on my knowledge of children’s movies” 

“Go grab your laptop. I’m sure it’s streaming somewhere.” I shrug at him and turn to find the instructions for the crib.

Sherlock’s hand finds the back of my neck and squeezes lightly as he turns to retrieve the computer. I begin my study of the directions and begin working on the crib. I hear Sherlock return and settle onto the floor. I hear the familiar music begin and wait for the questions and outbursts.

“How old is this movie?” is the first one.

“from the 40’s I think. 40s America so do keep that in mind”

“Storks John really?”

“Innocent children’s story”

“Where is Mr. Jumbo?”

“If you have deleted animal nature. It is not entirely safe to house and keep a male elephant”

“Oh, right”

Bang ping, and parts of the crib fall to the floor. I catch Sherlock’s eye and he winks at me.

“Those ears are quite unfortunate even for an elephant. I think we need to ask Charlotte about the father’s ear size, don’t want our child to have a complex” he mutters

“Sherlock, really. Just watch it for a bit yeah?”

“Fine”

I quietly work and manage to get the crib into some semblance of a bed shape when the lullaby is about to begin. 

“Well that’s just cruel..he can’t help how he looks. He’s so lonely and nothing but a mouse for company.” 

When the song begins Sherlock is quiet again. I sit with my eyes closed and listen to the sad but encouraging words of a mother singing to her child. Remembering my own mother rocking me after I had fallen out of that tree, or waking from the vicious nightmares about demons chasing me. I let my mind drift to a picture of Sherlock rocking a small bundle in his arm. Me standing beside him watching with a toddler on my hip. Stop this I think to myself. I had been trying so hard to positive and work in the direction of everything would be alright. I was a realist though despite all the emotional baggage Sherlock had great joy in pointing out. Sherlock manages to watch the rest of the movie without comment and i finish assembling the crib. As the joyful exit music plays I feel hands encircle me from behind. 

“That was an entirely inappropriate movie for a young child” he murmurs against my shoulder.

“Hmm?” 

“Pink elephants….bullying...allusions to racism…”

“Kids won’t get it.” I sigh into his arms.

“John” Sherlock hums against me, his arms tighten almost to uncomfortableness.

“Yes?”

“I understand your connection to the movie. A lonely elephant teased for being different, only consoled and admired by a diminutive friend. He harbors an extraordinary talent that gains national admiration. It..it..it’s just a bit...us….isn’t it?” 

My god. I haven’t thought that at all, I’ve only seen the mother/son relationship. As always my wonderful partner has seen a deeper connection of the innocent children’s movie and our relationship. I inhale shakily and exhale.

“Yes. I guess it is. You just can’t fly” 

“Nope” he blurts popping the p at the end.

“Right. So I think I’ve done it. All ready for our arrival” I exclaim removing Sherlock’s hands from my middle and tapping the rail of the crib.

“ _From your head down to your toes, You're not much, goodness knows But, you're so precious to me, Sweet as can be, baby of mine._ ” 

Sherlock sings against my ear. 

I turn to look at the man I love and notice the wetness at his eyes. I press a kiss on the corner of his mouth and tug him close. Just as I’m about to release him I hear clatters and pings as the crib behind us collapses to the floor.

“I think it’s time to call my brother” Sherlock chuckles.


	8. Just bonus material...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bringing the pain in this one. John throws a beaker at Sherlock so if that bothers you you can skip the section that begins with...I stand in our living room.

My phone jolts me awake and I lazily reach for it. The two of us are tangled in each other as usual. His curls in my face, his long legs thrown over mine, burning hot as always. 

“Hmmf...get..you’re too warm” I slur too tired to push Sherlock off of me.

“You’re too cushy” he slurs back pulling me tighter.

I open the phone to see who has decided to wake us on this lazy morning. But the phone is again ringing before I can look.

“Hullo?” I yawn into the phone.

“John Watson!? I’m in labor. Your daughter is about to be born!” Charlotte grunts into the phone.

“Oh what!? Charlotte?!” I shout sitting up and nearly knocking Sherlock off of the bed. 

“Umph! John what is it?” he grumbles sitting up with me. I shove a palm in is face to quiet him.

“You and Sherlock are about to be parents. You might want to get down here” Charlotte hisses.

“Charlotte my god...yes right we’ll be right there” I shout swing my legs over the bed.

“John! What is it?” fingers on my arm chin on my shoulder.

“Sherlock. Charlotte is having our baby.” I huff. This gets a reaction out of my husband, the sleepy housecat.

“NOW!? Christ get up why are you sitting there?!” he shouts flinging out of bed and pulling on my pajama bottoms. I stifle the panicked giggle in my throat and gesture at his bare calves.

“Sherlock. Perhaps some real clothes would do slightly better than that” I giggle gesturing to the closet and back at his legs.

“Who cares John. We’re about to be fathers. Get dressed!” he shouts pulling on a dress shirt and attacking the buttons.

“Dearest” I murmur as I walk to take jeans out of a drawer, “Please put some trousers on that fit you properly. I don’t want the first impression to our daughter to be you in ill fitting pajama bottoms”

“OH GOD why don’t just shut up and get dressed. We’ll miss it!” my husband growl shouts as he tugs the offensive bottoms off and flings open the closet.

“I am I am” I gasp nervously putting on a gray t-shirt and heading to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I nearly plow into the whirling dervish that is Sherlock. 

I start the kettle and lean against the counter. I realize this is the last time our home will be quiet and clean. It will be the last time that I will be able to make tea without worrying if the baby is asleep, or that Sherlock has changed her. This was it, the day our lives would never be the same ever again. We would be responsible for molding another human being from scratch, to teach her how the world worked and how much we loved her. My hands began to shake and I clenched them to stop them. It wasn’t a time for fear, but one for joy. Sherlock and I were going to be parents to a little girl. A little girl who would call me papa and Sherlock dad, a little girl I would dress in pinks and purples with ribbons in her hair, and who Sherlock would bring to the morgue for her first autopsy. 

“John the kettle is ready” Sherlock rumbles from my side. I shake my head and look at the pink cheeked man before me. He’s biting his lip and shifting from side to side in an effort to control the chaos that I know is swirling in his head because it is swirling in mine. I reach for the back of his neck and pull him down for a kiss, a grounding one, one that I know will settle us both for the moment.

“Settle. I’ll get the travel mugs, grab the bag of her clothes ok?” I sigh against his neck.

“Right, you’re always right.” against my brow and pulls away to her room for the bag. I finish the tea and head towards the front door. Sherlock appears next to me and I hand him his mug and we exit to the street and make our way to the busier street for a cab.

We get into in the seat our hands clasped together tightly, our opposite legs jumping nervously. We don’t speak, both too nervous about our impending fatherhood. Sherlock’s thumb is wearing a ridge into the back of my hand though, and I, I can barely breathe I am so excited and afraid. When the entrance of the hospital pulls into view I take a deep breath from the bottom of my lungs and look at Sherlock. His eyes are wide, his jaw clenched, and I reach and rub a thumb at the juncture of his jaw and ear.

“Love you” I whisper. I watch his face as it relaxes slightly.

“Love you.” he whispers then grabs my hand and pays the driver and we go inside and up to the maternity ward.

# ==========

_NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NONONONONONO this isn’t happening. It just isn’t happening. I tighten my grip on Sherlock’s tricep, trying to anchor myself, reassure that this isn’t happening_

_**My god. It’s her parents. I see Charlotte’s cut of jaw in her father, the pale skin of her mother. Andrew, the father, is standing just to the left of her father, his ears a normal size, his posture is one of concern and steadfastness. It was over, Charlotte had changed her mind, was keeping the baby. No no no. John, my heart my John. I watched as his brows sink in realization, his hands clasping in pain. I watch him nod and drop our daughter’s bag at my feet. He snorts a long breath and turns to Mycroft and Anthea who are standing near the waiting room. Both of them are dressed in gray, both heads bowed.** _

_**“GO AWAY” John growls at them. I draw a deep breath and turn to make my way to where the nurse’s station is. I know what they will say, the sorrys, the you can’t see them, the it will happen sometimes.** _

_**“Hello, my name is Sherlock Holmes-Watson I’m here to see Charlotte Wyatt, my partner and I are to adopt her child?” I try in my last desperate attempt in prolonging the delusion that I am to be a father today.** _

_**“I’m sorry, it looks like …. according to this...she’s...decided to keep her baby” the kind nurse says with a half smile.** _

_**“Oh of course. We’ll...just..go” I sigh looking at my John who has his head slung in defeat, in pain, in a place that I have no idea how to soothe. I pull John back towards the elevator, our bag forgotten. We are silent in our pain, in our loss. If I speak I will howl in pain and misery. He had warned me over and over again. He had warned me that this could happen, that we could lose our baby girl...our April Louise. I was angry so angry I couldn’t look at my love, my life, the one I had died for. He was gray and blank, the tears on his cheeks were the only thing the betrayed the pain he felt.** _

_**When the cab stopped at our home I wordlessly paid and tipped our driver and followed the stiff back of John as he flung open the door of our home. He was angry, I was angry. I wanted to die, to find a silence only found in my 7% solution. I stop at the closed door. I haven’t considered cocaine in at least six years. NO, NO I wouldn’t succomb to that stupidity. We would fight and it would be terrible and I would have to leave before I said too many things that would ruin us. Despite his pain and his anger, I needed John, he needed me. In, out, I take the deep breath I needed and opened the door to our home.** _

# ==========

I stand in our living room waiting for Sherlock to give me some flippant excuse and act like nothing is wrong. Not today, today I would make him feel the pain and anger he always squirrelled away in his mind palace. I would hurt him cause I could so I started as soon as I heard his footsteps on floor. 

“You knew this would happen. You read something in her that you didn’t tell me. You fucking asshole! Why did you do this to us?” I fling at him prodding a finger into his chest.

“To US?! You mean you….why did I do it to you?” he sneers

“This is all your fault. You finally deny that gift of yours when it really fucking mattered! I dared to hope that we would have a child today! We wasted so much time that you could have prevented by using that big brain of yours and telling me!” 

“How many times can I hear don’t Sherlock...not good Sherlock...Please Sherlock...before you wear me down to nothing. You saw yourself in her and it blinded you. I couldn’t tell you what I saw because it would hurt you and despite what you think I don’t like hurting you” 

“See myself in her? What are you talking about?” I ask ignoring the kindness in his omission.

“The alcoholic yet religious parents, the rising school career, sidelined by an unplanned pregnancy. Ripe for saving by one John Watson.” Sherlock’s deductions fling right at me.

“Don’t you dare...dare….make this my fault. This isn’t...my…fault” I grab the errant beaker that hand found it’s way upstairs for some reason and pitch it against the wall behind Sherlock. I immediately regret it as he flinches and backs away.

“It isn’t anyones fault but hers. She changed her mind! She fell in love with her own child. Christ John don’t you think this is just as hard for me or do you hold the only claim on sadness and loss in this relationship of ours” Sherlock chokes out, tears on his cheeks , and grabs something out from behind the bookcase.

“I..” _I’m sorry Sherlock please I’m so sorry_

“You warned and warned me not to get attached, that she had every right to change her mind, but I did. Look at what it made me do” he says throwing the thin box at my chest and stomping out of the room and out the door before I could stop him.

With shaking hands I open the box and part the tissue. Nestled inside was a small pink camouflage onesie with “Future Army Doctor” embroidered on the front. My anger began is slow ebb away from the surface and I buried my face in the onesie. My mind races to figure all the places that Sherlock could run off to.

# ==========

_**I walk the streets of my London, my heart aching with every step. I knew almost from day one that Charlotte would change her mind. I hoped against hope, against the logical end I saw, I hoped she’d give her child to us, that John and I would raise her child. John ever the realist reminded me with every returned shipment, with every cold visit with her and her doctor. I hoped that I was wrong, I hoped like thinking Harry was John’s brother or miscalculating Moriarty’s suicide that I would be wrong.** _

_**I walked the streets our neighborhood trying to erase the absolute devastated anger in John’s face, trying to stop the tears spilling down my cheeks. I was gutted and cold even in the balmy weather. John had to forgive him, he just had to. I found myself in front of our home thirty minutes later and quietly let myself in.** _

_**“John?” I called hoping was still home. I received no response and went up the stairs to see if he was there. I found him slumped against the door of what was to be our daughter’s room. He was clutching the onesie that I had bought and cruelly threw at him. He looked as broken as I felt.** _

_**“Sherlock you’re home...thank god” John says looking up at me red eyed and wet cheeked.** _

_**“Of course I came home.” I whisper and lower myself beside him, cautiously putting an arm around him.** _

I take in the broken man before me. He’s so pale he is practically translucent. His eyes are red his hands are shaking. 

“Sherlock I can’t breathe. It hurts so much. I don’t know if I can do this again… I….just….can’t” I sob with a toss of my hands. I watch his face and watch him calculate what to say.

“You feel like your heart has been ripped from your chest and you’re left with a sucking wound?” he blinks at me.

“You feel it too? We lost her...she’s gone…We named her Sherlock she had a name!” I sob and cling to his side. Sherlock is quietly holding me tight rubbing his thumb at the skin on my back.

“I’m so sorry John for everything I said and did. I wanted this so much. Please forgive me, I need you to forgive me.” He whispers against my head.

“Sherlock. I forgave you the minute you walked out that door.”

“Good.”

“I can’t go in there. I won’t.”

“Ok”

“Sherlock I’m serious when I said I don’t think I can do this again. Losing two of them in two years, I can’t do this. If you leave I’ll understand, I put us through this. I did this to us.” I sniffle against him.

“Do you remember what you said to me when I was doing the adoption research.”

“I...don’t ….no”

“ _If it is only just the two of us for the rest of time, I would be happy cause we’d be together. This won’t make or break us Sherlock. It’s just bonus material_ I believe that more today than I did when you first said it. I’m not going anywhere you’re not going anywhere. We will fill the holes in each other. We’ll fill this one together. It will take some time, we will hurt, but we’ll do it together. Please believe me”

“I believe you Sherlock. I’m so sorry” I say pressing a kiss on his cheek.

“Don’t be sorry. We’re hurting, we’ll hurt more if we sit on this floor any longer though. Come on, to bed with us. We’ll talk as much as you want under the covers ok? I’m exhausted” he commands tugging me up.

“I will cry a lot” I sigh gripping his arms.

“So will I”


	9. all good things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I promised a happy ending.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO...this is done. I'll probably always stick to shorter stuff since this really bothered/took a lot out of me. Thanks for reading.

_several years later_

I wake to an empty bed and a silence that is at the same time unusual yet soothing. I rise and pull on a dressing gown brush my teeth and go searching for Sherlock. I cock an ear to see where he might be as I walk down the hall. I see the cracked door and take a look inside. On the floor is my husband sound asleep. The blinds are drawn closed with only a nightlight to see the the cuddled forms. Our son and daughter are curled against him, one against his neck the other in the crook of his arm, a rare sight as they had apparently inherited their dad’s inability to have a consistent sleep schedule. I back out to retrieve my phone to capture the cute scene. When I return I take the photo and Sherlock begins to blink at me.

“They wouldn’t sleep” he whispers.

“Shhh I know. Dare we risk getting them into their beds?” I whisper back.

“We could but, Eloise has been the instigator...she might need to stay here against me. Grab Alexander he might sleep in the bed” he whispers gesturing to our light haired son curled under his chin.

“Baby boy...let’s go...back to your bed.” I hum against his tightly coiled form. Our son doesn’t stir as I put him down quietly. When I turn back to Sherlock and our dark curly-haired daughter her eyes are wide and a chubby arm reaches for me without a peep. My husband has drifted back to sleep as I gently lift her out of his arms and out to the living room. I put her down in the pack and play and return with a blanket to cover Sherlock so he’d be somewhat comfortable on the floor of their room. I return to the kitchen and begin preparing their bottles. Eloise is cooing softly as I work and I savor the quiet morning. I turn on the baby monitor to see when our son would begin to awaken again. I have one bottle ready and pick up Eloise and give her the bottle and she suckles contentedly. I walk back to their room and sit in the rocker and watch Sherlock and our son. Both of them are huffing quietly in their sleep. I rock our daughter gently and wonder what our future would bring. Suddenly Alexander is squalling loudly and Sherlock jumps up to pick him up from the crib and begins rocking him slowly.

“I’ll get the bottle. Be right back.” I murmur running my free hand along Sherlock’s back affectionately. I warm the water and carefully test the warmth of the bottle. As I wait for the bottle to warm I hear Sherlock’s quiet voice over the monitor singing our familiar lullaby to our gurgling son.

_Little one, when you play,_  
Pay no heed what they say.  
Let your eyes sparkle and shine,  
Never a tear, baby of mine. 

_If they knew all about you,_  
They'd end up loving you too.  
All those same people who scold you  
What they'd give just for the right to hold you. 

I shuffle quietly back towards the room, Eloise thumping her bottle against my shoulder, finding Sherlock rocking Alexander and finishing the lullaby. 

“Here you go” I say holding out the bottle.

“Thank you” Sherlock murmurs and leans down for quick kiss, “Good morning.”

“Good morning.”

**Sweet as can be, baby of mine.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I commissioned [Deebzy](http://deebzy.tumblr.com) to draw a picture of what John saw when he walked into the babies' room. See it [here](http://deebzy.tumblr.com/post/91700412079/commission-for-brokenlibrarygirl-this-is-a-scene)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "Baby Mine" The music is by Frank Churchill, with lyrics by Ned Washington


End file.
